Our Children

Today is a special day. Today is the day we were due to have our little baby we lost at 6 weeks last August. It has me thinking about our children.

March 25th 2008, the due date of our first child. I spent the day crying and writing a letter to our precious little one who we named Jessie when we miscarried on the 12th of August at 9 weeks pregnant. We had spent 7 months trying to conceive and were thrilled to find out we were expecting a baby! Sadly a few days after we found out I spent a day in hospital while our baby slowly passed from my body. I hadn't had any symptoms of pregnancy and with my cycle being all over the place we didn't know we were pregnant until I was nearly 9 weeks.


James and I at Taylor Dam in New Zealand, the place Nick and I had gone to cry after we miscarried 2 years earlier.

In August we will celebrate James' 5th birthday! He is our second child even though many consider him to be our first. We will always remember our Jessie even though we never got the chance to know if we are remembering a boy or girl. Of course instead of explaining all of this to most people we just answer with "yes, James is our only child". Sometimes it's just not worth it to get into an explanation with a stranger.


Our big school boy :)

James has been our blessing and our bright spark. We love him so terribly much and are so thankful to have his smiley little face in our lives. He brings us so much joy even amidst the trialling times of parenting. James my darling, I love you!

We recently named our little one we lost in August Bailey. Today we would have been due to have this little one and celebrate his or her arrival. Again sadly we miscarried at 6 weeks. I didn't have any symptoms except extreme nausea but that had continued on from the fertility medication I had taken so I'm not sure if it was pregnancy related as my hormone levels were not very high.




Today we have reason to celebrate as well. In November we will welcome our 4th child! We are incredibly blessed to have conceived NATURALLY with no fertility assistance as we had put off trying while I was in the beginning stages of my year of study so we wouldn't be due before my school year finishes. Sometimes for all our plans God knows a better way and better timing and we will be due the day my oral presentation of my literature review / thesis is due! I am not sure what's going to happen with study yet but we will figure that out. Unlike all my other pregnancies (including James) symptoms this time have been very present! All day nausea and some dry retching (ugh), breasts that feel like they've been hit with baseball bats, extreme tiredness, and crying at the drop of a hat (or Nick saying he didn't like the nursery colours I picked out - he was joking but I burst into tears!) My blood tests have all come back very strong and this in conjunction with my strong symptoms encourages us that this little one is going strong.



At just over 7 weeks, I have had people wonder why we have told some people this early - especially when we have had two miscarriages in the past. Nick and I talked about what we wanted to do and in the end we decided that we really appreciated the support and understanding we got from our family and friends during our miscarriages. It would have been hard for us to go through that alone. Another reason, and my main one, is that we consider this baby to be a real, live baby even from this young. We will celebrate our children no matter how long we have them. If you knew that your child was only going to live until their 1st birthday, would you remained worried, ignoring and not acknowledging that child with your family and friends, trying not to be excited and thankful for that year? Or would you cherish each moment, each milestone, each day you get to spend with that child. For us we are choosing to be positive and to cherish these days. After all, none of us know how long our children will be with us anyway.




So please, whilst I appreciate your concern for our 'premature excitement' - keep it to yourself. We have decided to celebrate this little miracle every day we have him or her with us - both in the womb and once they are born. Celebrate with us!

Otostop Yapan Üniversiteliyi Siktim

Selam arkadaşlar size 1-2 hafta önce başımdan geçen bir anımı anlatmak istiyorum,uzun boylu yakışıklı esmer bir erkeğim,hafta içi bir gün saat 4 civarı arabamla ofise dönüyordum üniversitelerin olduğu bölgeden geçerken gençlerin otostop yaptığını gördüm ,çoğu 2-3 kişiydi yada erkekti o yuzden yavaş yavaş geçiyordum durmayı düşünmedim,fakat 20 li yaşlarda bir kız benim arabamı gördüğünde yola doğru yaklaştı,önünde durdum merkeze gidiyorsanız gelebilirmiyim dedi olur atla dedim,ismini sordum cansu olduğunu söyledi,sizi beyefendi gördüm o yuzden binmek istedim dedi,sanırım lüks arabaları tercih ediyorlardı,ailesinin sex hikaye başka şehirde olduğunu okul için burda olduğunu söyledi,evi ofisime yakındı evine bırakabilirim dedim,üzerinde kot ve mont vardı 1.60 boylarında ince yapılı minyon bir kızdı,fakat yüzü güzeldi siyah saçlı beyaz tenliydi,yalnızmı yaşıyorsun dedim,hayır 3 kız arkadaş aynı evde kalıyoruz dedi.
Bende kendimden bahsettim,okul dışında neler yapıyorsun dışarı çıkıyormusun dedim,öğrenciyim gezmek maddiyatla ilgili pek dışarı çıkamıyorum,ailemin gönderdiği para kısıtlı dedi,istersen seni gezdirebilirim dedim,senin gibi karizmatik bir adamla gezmek isterim dedi,günlerden cumaydı istersen akşam çıkalım dedim ,olur dedi ,o zaman 8 de seni alırım dedim,telefonlarımızı aldık evine bıraktım,ofise geçtim kalan işlerimi halledip eve gittim,duş aldım güzel bir pantolon ceket gömlek kombinasyonu oluşturdum gayet şık görünüyordum.
Cansu’nun evinin önüne gittiğimde arayıp geldiğimi söyledim, Cansu evden çıkıyordu onu gördüğümde şok oldum,o gündüz bıraktığım kot mont giyen salaş kız gitmiş yerine siyah mini elbiseli ten rengi parlak çorabıyla siyah rugan topuklu ayakkabısyla tam bir afet gelmişti,küçük fahişe çok tatlı olmuştu,arabaya bindi yanağımdan öptü kırmızı ruju yanağıma çıkmıştı,havadan sudan sohbet ediyorduk benim gözüm bacaklarındaydı eteği götüne kadar çıkmıştı,benim yarrak zonklamaya başladı,nerdeyse direksiyona degecekti,küçük fahişe bunun farkındaydı dahada eğlenceli konuşmaya başladı,önce onu bir restorana götürdüm birşeyler yedik 3-4 duble rakı içtik cansu hafif çakır olmaya başlamıştı,konu sekse geldi 2 yıldır üniversitede hiç erkek arkadaşı olmadığını söyledi,lisede bir sevgilisi varmış 2 yıl görüşmüşler bekaratinide ona verdiğini söyledi,bu durumda cansuyu sadece 1 erkek sikmişti,doğrumu yalanmı olduğunu amının genişliğinden anlayabilirdim,eğer doğruysa benim 23 cm lik kobrayı almakta zorlanırdı,hadi birazda canlı müzik dinleyelim dedim ordan kalktık cluba geçtik,içkilerimizi içerken cansu kendinden geçmiş dans ediyordu tabi o dans ettikçe eteği sıyrılıyordu bir an kilodunu gördüm beyaz renk bir tanga giymişti.
Bir ara kulağımı eğilip bu gece seninle sex hikaye uyumak istiyorum dedi,sadece uyumakmı dedim,hayır koca yarrağınla sik beni dedi,nerden biliyorsun koca olduğunu dedim,önüne baksana sopa gibi dedi,ne zamandır sikişmiyorsun pantolonun yırtılacak dedi,daha fazla sabrım kalmamıştı hesabı isteyip mekandan ayrıldık,eve giderken elimi bacaklarını atıp okşamaya başladım,dahada ilerletip amını kilodu ve corabının üzerinden okşuyordum hafif hafif inlemeye başladı,arada elini yarrağıma atıp kafasını okşuyordu,bu şekilde eve gittik arabayı kapalı garaja çekip asansore bindik,asansorde göğüslerine yumuldum küçükcüktü beni çok tahrik etti,oda yarrağımı bir aşa bir yukarı sıvazlıyordu,eve girdik ayakkabılarını çıkarmak için domaldı belinden tutup yarrağımı götüne bastırdım,çok zevkliydi,hemen odaya geçtik,koltuğun üzerine oturttum cansuyu,önce dudaklarını emdim sonra elbisesini kafasından çıkarıp boynunu emmeye başladım,cansu kendinden geçmişti,sütyenini çıkarıp göğüslerini dillemeye başladım,kilodu ve kilotlu çorabı duruyordu,kilotlu çorabının amına denk gelen kısmını yırttım,kilodunu yana çektim bembeyaz 1 tane bile kıl olmayan küçücük amcığını dillemeye başladım,amı sırılsıklam olmuştu ne varsa emiyordum,cansu ağlar gibi inliyordu,3 yıldır yarrak yemedim.
Sik beni lütfen diyordu amını yaladıkdan sonra fermuarımı açıp yarrağımı dışarı çıkarttım,cansu yarrağımı görünce gözleri yerinden fırlayacak gibi oldu,bu ne ya hayvanmısın oğlum sen dedi,porno filimlerdeki gibi sikin var bunu banamı sokacaksın dedi,korkma canını yakmam dedim,agzına alıp sakso çekecekti fakat küçücük ağzına sığmıyordu,zar zor kafasını yalıyordu,yeter artık seni sikicem dedim,lütfen yavaş aşkım dedi,eski sevgiliminki küçücüktü dedi,bacaklarını omzuma alıp yavas yavas sokmaya başladım,gözlerinden yaş geliyordu,tamam yeter lütfen dedi,yetmez dedim sen beni fena azdırdın bugun ki mini elbisenle dedim, sex hikaye birden hepsini kokledim,cansunun çığlığı evi inletmişti,artık amı alışıyordu,15-20 dakika pompaladım,sonra ters çevirip domalttım birazda o şekilde siktim cansu bayılacak gibiyidi kendinden geçmişti,o gece onu sabah 4 e kadar siktim cansu kaç kez boşaldı ben kaç kez boşaldım hatırlamıyorum,götünden sikmek istedim vermedi,muhtemelen götü yırtılırdı,bir sure cansuyu siktim sonra arkadaşlarıyla tanıştırdı onlarıda siktim,öğrendi görüşmüyoruz artık gerçek bir sikici tarafından sikilmek isteyen kadınlar bana ulaşabilirsiniz,siz siz olun sikicinizi kız arkadaşlarınızla tanıştırmayın,bol sikişli günler dilerim.

Pancreatic Cancer

Recently my family has been rocked with the sudden news that my Dad has terminal Pancreatic Cancer. It seems to have come out of nowhere and we are all pulling together to help Dad and each other through this time.



My Dad is being so incredibly strong throughout his diagnosis and his Chemo treatment. Whilst suffering through pain and illness, he is still attending his grandchildren's birthday parties, his rugby club's rugby games, and having a laugh with family and friends at church. He is so strong in his faith and it is really inspiring to those around him.

My siblings and I (with special thanks to Steven and Sarah who set it up!) have set up a fundraiser to help Mum and Dad out at this time with the medical and life expenses they are facing whilst not being able to work due to the nature of the treatments and illness. My brother Joe is going to shave his head if we can raise $5k. Our Mum has also courageously put her hand up to say that she too will shave her head if we reach $15k. Several other family members including my husband Nick have said they will join them too to help the fundraising. The more we raise - the more family members that will shave their heads!




If you would like to keep updated on Dad's progress and also check out the fundraising photos and videos that will be uploaded as they happen, please take the time to check out our fundraising website here. If you would like to donate that would also be fantastic - the website is secure and done via credit/debit card using the Paypal system (which you don't have to have a paypal account to use). Please feel free to share this around to help us reach our goals!


Thanks everyone for your support!

Looking back

I have just spent the last half hour re-reading my blog posts surrounding our journey of infertility and with our miscarriages. Tears formed in my eyes as I was taken back to some of those dark, lonely days. Yet here I sit - almost 35 weeks pregnant - spending my days nesting getting ready to greet this new little person.



For those of you who know us well and have journeyed with us these last 4 years we have tried to add a new member to our family, you will know how hard it has been for us. You may have seen the tears, angry outbursts, hopelessness, and grief. You may have listened as we tossed and turned the different options for growing our family around from IVF to foster care to adoption. You may have held our hand as we lost another little life to miscarriage August last year.

I want to take this moment to say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Honestly it has been such a long journey and I still have days where I can't believe we are here, about to welcome a baby into the world.

Thank you for the meals you cooked us.

Thank you for the play dates with James to give us some rest.

Thank you for listening even when you had no idea what to say in response.

Thank you for crying with us.

Thank you for encouraging us.

Thank you for distracting us when we needed time out.

But most of all, I want to say to those who are still on the journey, to those who are still waiting for their 'rainbow' baby or even their first baby, to those who have suffered loss through miscarriage, still birth and child loss - I want to say to you that I love you so much and my heart is so full for you. I have felt your pain. I have walked where you walked - perhaps not exactly the same steps but a similar journey just the same. I just want to be able to love you in any way I can and yet often I have no idea how, despite having been there myself.

I want to encourage you not with empty words and promises that it gets better or that eventually you will receive your long waited for child. The harsh reality is that sometimes this just isn't the truth of it. I want to encourage you to discover who you are in the middle of the journey. While looking back at old blog posts I found two that brought to light how I spent time doing this just before we found out we were pregnant this 4th time around.

One post I wrote was on Identity. It looked at where we get our identity from which is particularly relevant when we feel like failures due to our lack of being able to conceive and carry a child to full term. Another post was about Reflecting and making changes. I encourage you to have a read and perhaps take this time to really evaluate how you are doing and where you are going. I'm not talking about increasing your self image or trying to justify things. I'm hoping that you will be able to discover more about who God made you to be and who you are in Him. I'm hoping that you will draw closer to Him and get your needs met by Him and not by the flimsy things of this world that can fall away in an instant. I'm hoping that despite what heartache you are currently going through that you will find rest in this time of reflection, that you will find space to grieve and space to process. I'm hoping that by doing these things and taking the time to really look at your life that you will be able to come to a new understanding and a new hope for whatever the future holds, knowing that God's plan truly is the best possible for you no matter how much we want things to be different sometimes. It made me laugh seeing a post two months before we discovered we were pregnant this time around that I had written about putting a pause on our fertility journey and how because of what I had been doing by reflecting and looking at identity, that I was ok with taking this time out. I am not in anyway suggesting the dreaded "just stop trying to get pregnant and it will happen". I know this isn't helpful and don't believe it for a second! I just find it a blessing that when I took the focus off ME and put it on HIM that I became better equipped to walk the path we had to walk.

I pray that you will find some rest and peace dear ones. I pray that things happen for you as you dream they would. But most of all I pray for you to be able to still find the joy and blessing that life is even in the midst of the trials and pain. I pray that you will find there is still life to be lived and that it doesn't have to be taken over by your pain. There is a release waiting for you, a God who wants to carry that pain and burden if you will let Him. So take a leap and let go. Face it and then allow Him to comfort you as you mourn and deal with the hard times. I hope that soon there will be a time when you can look back and see your journey through different eyes, as a journey that built your character.

We also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5